I Hate Red Onions
Red onions were first discovered in western Asia (some say Pakistan and Iran). Since then every chef — ranging in skill from the amateur to the professional to even the Gordon Ramsay-celebrity-potty-mouth-contestant-saboteur-local-restaurant saviour level — endorse onions. This is wrong and is what is wrong with our societial palette.
Red onions are massively problematic, definitely not as problematic as institutional racism, male-violence or TERFism, but are problematic for my tastebuds for several reason, which I will all cite with graphic detail as to how they feel.
First it’s the look. Ever seen someone’s white, crispy scalp when they have a dandruff problem? It reminds me of this. It’s all scaly and hard, and when picked at it falls out in weird flakes and get absolutely everywhere. Not to mention, the skin has the weirdest feel. Onions are smooth to a greasy extent, same as my hair when it’s unwashed for 2 days. Need to keep the essential oils y’know?
Next, it’s the smell. Most onionists describe the smell of an onion as ‘sulfurish and horse-radish like.’ How can anyone find red onions pleasant after that? That doesn’t even sound pleasant! If I remember, sulfur is what comes out of a fart, correct? Onions smell like cooked farts, and I’ve only ever smelt one other thing that smells like fart once cooked. It was the bowl of cooked mince someone was having, and it was piled high in their bowl. It looked and smelled more like they had gotten the family puppy, fed him some laxatives and called him a ‘good boy’ as he shat in the bowl. Oh, and then proceeded to heat said feces up. Yeah. That’s a sulfur smell alright.
Onions feel so bad for me, I have to split the following up.
First, we have the texture. I am perfectly fine with crunchy and crunchy. Soft in the crunchy is fine too! Crunchy onions in the soft food? Nope. Nuh uh. Feeling a soft, slimy uncooked piece of what could only be comparable to escargot in something where onions are hidden is the definition of hideous. I’ll phone the wordsmiths at Oxford Dictionary to get that put in as soon as possible, by the way. But that texture! Eugh! It’s slimy, sometimes with a slight crunchiness, and it seems to hesitate when going down someone’s throat. Or perhaps that’s just my body telling me not to ingest this, same as it did when I ingested Lego and magnetic balls.
Then, we have the taste. This gives the heave even thinking about. For example: white onions are far too sweet for vegetables. I like my vegetables savoury and my fruit sweet, and if they’re the opposite way round, then they’re off. I could also check the Best By dates, but sometimes I’m just too damn tired to read. Red onions are weird and I show explicit disapproval of them.
Just for the love of all things non-oniony, boycott onions. Especially red onions.
